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The Forward Pass: Channel Nine commentator quits

Phil “Gus” Gould is leaving the Channel Nine commentary team to coach the NSW Blues.

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‘I’m the greatest Origin coach ever, so it’s my responsibility to rebuild for 2018 after this year’s loss,’ said Gus. ‘A successful Origin team is a full-time commitment and it would be wrong to continue media duties, like a certain Queensland coach does on Fox League.’

Gus – who last coached NSW in 2004 – will keep Laurie Daley as assistant coach.

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‘Loz has done good and deserves to keep going,’ said Gus. ‘I might even steal his chair again.’

Nine quickly announced Gus’ replacement.

‘We’ve recruited the Swedish Chef to take over from Gus,’ said Nine CEO Hugh Marks. ‘The resemblance is uncanny, the Chef’s easier to understand, far less biased and even Queenslanders love him. Our ratings will skyrocket!’

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As part of the Swedish Chef’s contract, Nine will launch a new cooking show on Wednesday nights after Origin, Dun’t suoe-a us iff yuou get fuod puisuning our yuour meel sterts telkeeng! Sterring Zee-a Svedeesh Cheff.

The Forward Pass is a fictional and deliberately ridiculous look at the NRL. References to real people is for satirical purposes only.


Deputy Sports Editor for the Australian Times Weekly


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