NRL CEO Todd Greenberg has revealed the plan to combat poor Sydney crowds.

‘For all regular season Sydney games, we’re going to lock fans out and sell horribly overpriced tickets and club memberships to stupidly rich businessmen, with the biggest spenders to have their logo painted in the in-goal areas. Where better for Sydney’s elite to schmooze clients than a giant stadium all to themselves with a footy game in the background? We can use CGI and pre-recorded crowd noise to create atmosphere for TV,’ said Greenberg.

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The rule applies to the SFS, ANZ Stadium and all suburban Sydney grounds. Brisbane, Canberra, Melbourne and the NZ Warriors are unaffected.

‘Sydney fans are too lazy and don’t deserve to attend games. We had two games at Homebush in round 17 – Canterbury v Parramatta, Souths v Penrith – that pulled a combined 28,000. Suncorp Stadium had 40,000 for the Friday night game alone. It’s pathetic!’

Greenberg thinks selling games to the wealthy will help NSW’s TV ratings.

‘Fans will be forced to watch games at home, which is great news for Nine and Fox League. The next TV deal’s gonna be crazy good!’

There is some consolation for Sydney fans – Origin, Tests, NRL finals and the grand final are still open to the public.

‘People actually go to those big games,’ said Greenberg. ‘Seems like a fair trade.’

The Forward Pass is a fictional and deliberately ridiculous look at the NRL. References to real people is for satirical purposes only.