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The Forward Pass: Jarryd Hayne’s new mission

The fake news that’s actually fake.

Jarryd Hayne has quit rugby league and is destined to be Australia’s next sprinting superstar.

“I’m sick of rugby league,” said an ‘injured’ Hayne after watching his Gold Coast Titans lose to Parramatta last Thursday night.

“The Hayne Plane is desperate for a new challenge, so I’m gonna be the next Usain Bolt. You’ve all seen how lightning I am on the footy field, no reason why I can’t replicate that on the track for Australia at next year’s Commonwealth Games, the next Olympics and beyond.”

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“I’ve never heard of this Jaron Henney guy, but I wish him the best,’ said Bolt.

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Hayne is super confident his next dream will come true, “so the NFL, Fiji Sevens and my NRL and Origin dreams didn’t work out, but I know this one will. Unlike the others, my success on the track is up to me. No selfish teammates or know-it-all coaches can get in my way.”

Hayne’s already started a merchandise range, “I’ve got it all sorted. I got ‘THE HAYNE PLANE’ in nice big letters on the front with a cute little cartoon plane with my face on it. That logo’s gonna be worn by every sports fan in Australia. I did the design myself and my agent is helping me get a cut of all the sweet merchandising money. I could probably buy an actual plane if it all goes to plan.’

The Forward Pass is a fictional and deliberately ridiculous look at the NRL. References to real people is for satirical purposes only.
Check it out on Twitter @thefwdpass

Deputy Sports Editor for the Australian Times Weekly

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