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The Forward Pass | Channel Nine’s New Star

The fake news that’s actually fake.

Channel Nine has signed Brisbane debutant Payne Haas to a lifetime contract.

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Haas impressed off the bench in Brisbane’s win over Souths last Thursday night, playing 20 minutes, making 15 tackles and running 68 metres.

Paul ‘Fatty’ Vautin, commentating for Nine, was impressed by Haas. “He’s big unit isn’t he? The kid goes alright. ‘Huge’ (Nine CEO Hugh Marks) called me after game and said ‘sign this kid immediately!’ So we did.”

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As part of the deal, Haas will appear on The Footy Show and will appear as Broncos correspondent on Brisbane’s Nine News. He will only be allowed to play in Broncos games broadcast by Nine (and be interviewed by Nine commentators), with a dedicated camera following him around the field.

“We’re not letting those Fox bastards get their hands on our Haas,” Marks said. “He’ll be the next Benji Marshall, I guarantee you. He’s a big, handsome boy, so we can market him to our female viewers, and the kids’ll love him too.

“He’s only 19, so there’s plenty of time to exploi — sorry — mould him. He might even host the Logies one day.”

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Brisbane coach Wayne Bennett is happy about Haas’ new fame. “We’re used to Nine giving us a huge advantage, so this continues the tradition. It’s overdue after the NRL rudely took all our Thursday and Friday night games away. We’ve only got about 16 this year. Disgusting.”

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The Forward Pass is a fictional and deliberately ridiculous look at the NRL. References to real people is for satirical purposes only. Check it out on Twitter @thefwdpass

The Forward Pass is a weekly dose of footy-related satire and general nonsense. The author Andrew Pelechaty has been a freelance sportswriter since 2003 and has a BA and Grad Cert in Editing and Publishing.

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